PULL THAT TRIGGER

Most kinds annoy me. All whiney cry babies who won’t let go of their mamas annoy me. Spoilt kids also annoy me. Put both these shit annoying factors in one, and you get the perfect mix of a screechy-as-hell device that makes you want to pull out your hair, i.e. my little sister.

This morning my mum had to go to some quraan khuwaani to which she, obviously, could not take this little critter. So she leaves her at our mercy. Or, to put it in perspective, us at her mercy. Her torturous wailing mercy. This little kid, I swear to God, does not. shut. up. No matter what. Normal kids, they’re pacified by chocolates, toffees, promises of toys. Colourpencils, paints. Allowances to write on the walls, stuff to throw about. NOTHING, but nothing works with this one. Once the mighty tapwork starts, nothing turns it off. Once she sets her mind to something, she wants it, and she wont stop till she gets it. Whatever. it. takes. And usually she does, because you’d just want to shut her up at any cost. She’s got one powerful voice box for a child of 5. and it SUCKS.

Anyway. So back to the morning. She won’t shut up. Till we, it was a tripartite effort, and a tripartite failure, finally gave up and resigned to my room. I almost went to bed. You become immune to the stereo, after sometime. But then she runs to the gate and almost walks out. So my brother and sister have to run out to get her. despite implications of “jamadar outside.. hmmm.. takes away kids” SHE REFUSED TO BE FRIGHTENED. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT. Lock her up in the balcony? nah she’d probably kill the pet birds. Then she comes up with a new threat;

“kaatoon ga” [that's where I start having doubts about her sanity]

So then we retaliate;

“you bite us, we three will bite you together. Soch lo. aik taang ko katey ga, aik haaath ko aur aik sar ko. katna hai?”

Ultimate barbaric aggressiveness unleashed, I tell you.
Doesn’t work.

So then. I get a brainstorm.

“Give her to me” I say. I pick her up, look around for raised platforms, and finally deposit her  on top of a cupboard high enough for her to not be able to jump off from, and low enough for her to not get hurt in case she did. Now I talk.

“Okay. Now. you will shut up. Stop crying.”

The stern countenance never works with us because one of us always bursts out laughing, so we ususally take turns with the talking. Sister still wailing.

“shhh. shut up. you shut up, we take you down. You keep crying, you can stay on there forever”

she now starts ripping up important lyceum documents belonging to my sister which we overlooked, but they’re saved in time. So now she has nothing to do.

She speaks “I know you wont bring me down even if i stop crying” fresh wave of screams.

We are incredulous: “ofCOURSE we’ll take you down just stop screaming! [to sister] man what is wrong with this child make her stoopppp”

sister is crappier than I: “okay look. listen. okay. it’s okay. we’ll take you down [good cop bad cop? doesnt work] sshuuuuuut uuuuuup..”

Meanwhile brother is talking to mum on the phone, full military operation is in session. “haan we’ve put her on top of a cupboard. she wont shut up. yeah okay. bye”

Authorisation, huzzaaah!

Little sister: (finally talking) “I’ll tell mum”

Me: “Honey we’ve told mum already, just talked to her. Now, do you promise not to cry again?”

Brother starts laughing frantically. This erupts a record breaking volume of sound from the tiny throat.

“AH. SHUT UP. YOURE NOT HELPING.”

older sister: “dump him on the other cupboard”

“yeah I think I will” *takes him to the other room and makes him pretend to cry*

older sister, “look, now we’ve put him on the other cupboard as well okay. He’s a bad boy.. we won’t bring him down..”

“I’ll do the negotiations. Yes. Do you promise? we’ll bring you down. And if you cry again, we’ll put you back up. Now. Promise?”

Little sister slowly nods head and in a frenzy of excitement and relief we bring her down as she says “I want to see brother on the cupboard”

holy crap. me to the rescue. “err yeah ill just bring him down too” *runs to the other room before sister so that brother is safely “taken down” from his punishment place*

Sister didn’t cry after that, and i went back to sleep.

 

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P.S. To the random reader: It is not the usual way we treat kids in our homes but certain extreme cases of.. child prodigies causing disturbances, especially on mornings, ESPECIALLY while our stomachs are still empty, call for extreme-ish measures to be taken. Iss a dysfunctional family, but no need to call child services.